I felt what happened today. This may sound crazy, but I felt it in my soul.
It was not your fault.
It’s okay that you felt shocked and confused.
It’s okay that you felt angry and furious.
It’s okay that you felt sad and depressed.
It’s okay… that you feel… and that in itself is very important.
I am proud of you.
You tried to set a boundary. I know it wasn’t easy for you. You’re not used to setting boundaries. You tried. I am proud of you for taking that first step regardless of what happened next.
You asked him if you could talk about it another time. You just woke up and needed time to fully wake up. You had recently learned that serious early morning conversations are not good. It was a very reasonable request. It did not work. I eventually learned that it did not matter what he wanted to talk about. It was really all about control. He was exerting his control over you.
You begged him to stop. Over and over, you begged and pleaded. You even left the room. But he didn’t. He did not stop. He followed. Berating you. Shaming you. Yelling at you. Yelling at you over and over and over to hit him. You refused. You begged him to leave you alone, to stop pushing you. He did not listen. He did not stop. It felt like your tears meant nothing to him. It felt like your distress meant nothing to him.
He knew you had just been diagnosed with PTSD from a lifetime of abusive relationships.
He knew you had just started trauma therapy only a few weeks before.
You had told him point blank that the therapy wasn’t going to be easy but you needed to do it. Thirty some years of feeling numb is a very long time and you were done feeling that way. This was it. It was time to get the help you’ve needed all these years.
You thought he would be supportive.
He was not.
You thought he would be there for you. After all, he’s your husband. You had been together twenty years.
He was not there for you when you needed it.
I’m sorry to say that he will prove time and time again that he will not be there for you even when he says he will. You will believe him time and time again until you hit that final point. And that is okay. Actions really do speak louder than words. You’ll start to see it more and more as you wake up and pay more attention. Wake up? Yes. What you are going through will feel like you’re just waking up from a long sleep, a coma. It will be painful at times but now is your time to wake up. I am here for you right now. I will help you through this.
Overwhelming. The surge of emotions you felt was overwhelming! Too many to name! You wanted to vomit, to literally explode! Like the time in college when you felt that one boyfriend was about to beat you. Like the time when you cut yourself as a teenager. Like the time dad beat you for not eating all of your dinner. You hadn’t felt that overwhelming surge of emotions in over twenty years! That is a very long time. The shame he kept piling on you felt too much! You felt yourself slipping away again.
Take my hand. Please take my hand and come with me. I am putting myself between you and him. He can’t hurt you. We are leaving this place and taking the little one with us. I know. I know. I wish to God she hadn’t seen that. You feel furious now. That’s good! You’re feel something and that itself is wonderful! We are going some where he can’t find us. It’s okay. Your other child is fine. She’s still asleep and didn’t hear a thing. He won’t hurt her in this moment.
You’re instinct is right. What he did to you today was not good at all. It was horrible, inexcusable, and unjustifiable. I feel sorry you had to go through this. I believe it was necessary, though. Today was the day.
Today… He showed you who he really is.
Today… You finally saw him for who he really is.
Eye-opening. Sad. Sad, he wasn’t the person you thought he was. Depressed. You now know you can’t be with someone like that anymore. You just can’t. It will destroy you. The children do not need to see that, to learn that. This is not the life you want for them. You love them too much to let that happen to them.
After you broke down sobbing on the floor, did he comfort you? Did he tell you it was going to be okay and that you’d get through it? NO. Instead, he told you that you were unstable. That you were a danger to the children. That is not supportive. That is abuse.
He later admitted he deliberately pushed your emotional buttons despite knowing you had just started trauma therapy. Knowing you had been emotionally shut down most of your life. Knowing you had a lifetime of emotions and trauma to sort through. Yet he did this to you. His wife. The one person he vowed to be there for. To support through good times and bad. He thought he knew better than the therapists. He was wrong. Boy, was he wrong. Unfortunately, it won’t be the last time.
You have every right to feel shocked. Confused. To feel angry. Furious! To feel sad. Depressed. To FEEL…
It’s been some years now. He never apologized for what he did to you that day. He never admitted to seeing anything wrong in what he did. He repeatedly justifies treating you like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.
He is not a healthy person for you. He never was.
He is an instigator.
He is a manipulator.
He is a controller.
He is an emotional abuser.
He is a narcissist.
I am happy to tell you that you make it out alive. You save yourself! You fight for your freedom and you win!
It won’t be easy by any means. To be completely honest with you, the next few years will be the most hellish nightmare of your life. He will see to it. But you do it. One step at a time. You fight. You stand your ground little by little. You don’t give up. You don’t back down. You persist and you win. You win your freedom from the abuse.
Do you feel it? The little spark inside? It’s still there. It’s growing now, little by little. It is hope. Hope for a better life for you and your children. We won’t let anyone destroy it. Not even him.
I am proud of you. It was the first step of many very important steps to come. You did it. You started to break the cycle of abuse. This is just the beginning of your journey, your fight. I am with you every step of the way.